You know how a couple weeks ago I said I didn't feel like I have cancer, and I could just pretend everything was okay for a while?
"A while" is up. I feel it now. My entire life has become about cancer.
My body is constantly aching. My back is sore all the time, and it hurts to sit up or lie down. My hips ache, and every now and then I get a sharp pain in my abdomen. The itching is getting worse. I can't touch my legs before bed, or else I'll be up for an hour scratching uncontrollably. And I have to be really careful when shave them because of the raised bumps where the patchy skin is. If I'm not, they end up a bloody, scabby mess.
Even if I couldn't physically feel it, cancer is still all around me. It's in everything I do, and everything I touch. I have had so many doctor's appointments my head is spinning. I've had to go shopping to put together a "chemo bag" and to buy comfortable clothes and warm beanies.
And I've now been told I can't do something because it's too dangerous to my health. I lost my cruise. The cruise to the Bahamas in 24 days with the band Florida Georgia Line. The last normal activity that I was clinging to, a week where I could pretend that everything was okay and I was just like everyone else onboard the ship, has been taken away. I get it, though. My health absolutely comes first, and I told Dr. Blau that I would do whatever she recommended I do. So when she told me she highly suggested not going because if I caught an infection somewhere I couldn't get immediate help, I could die? I listened and obeyed. It still sucks, though. Instead of laying on a beach in paradise listening to one of my favorite bands, I'm out hundreds and hundreds of dollars and all I get out of it is a signed lithograph reminding me of the vacation cancer took from me.
I still have a lot to be thankful for, though. And I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I have an incredible group of family and friends behind me. The amount of people who have called, texted, and emailed me is incredible. I never thought I'd have this many people standing behind me during this fight. One of the police officers I work with even asked me to order a bunch of violet "cancer sucks" bracelets so he can give them to everyone in the department to wear. The kindness and support from everyone around me has brought me to tears several times.
The one person who has been with me literally every step of this journey is my mom. I'm so grateful to have her and to not have to go through this alone. She's gone with me to every important doctor's appointment, has offered to chauffeur me to every chemo session, and has asked me to stay at her house during my post-chemo crappy days. She's organized a team for the upcoming Light The Night walk that benefits the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. She's done endless amounts of research about the disease, and is constantly sending me links to new information or other things she's found online. She's even put her love of jewelry making to use, and created beautiful violet beaded bracelets for us. I may be biased, but I have the best mother on the face of the planet.
There's a lot of stuff coming up for me, and I'll try my best to update along the way! Tomorrow I'm having surgery to have my port put in. That little thing will make my chest look like I have an alien inside me trying to bust out, but it's so much better than the alternatives. Saturday is the Light The Night walk, and I'm so excited to help out LLS!
Then Monday is my first chemo session. Trying to learn all the details about chemo has been one of the most difficult parts so far. I still can't tell you which drug is which, and which ones are a drip versus a push, and which one can cause heart problems. I went to a "chemo 101" class this week, and was loaded up with paperwork for all of it. Each drug literally has a 6-page packet with information about it. Mostly side effects and all the crap it can cause. I was sent home with prescriptions for about 6 new medications. Anti-nausea, anti-anxiety, even a heartburn medication to help with the mouth sores chemo causes. I've never had this many prescriptions in my life. I suck at taking pills when I'm supposed to, so this will be a challenge at first!
I also just found out that my employer approved my revised schedule at work, so I'm really happy about that! It will make it much more easier to work during chemo, as I plan and hope to do. I normally work Wednesday-Friday and every other Saturday. Now I'll be working Thursday-Saturday and every other Wednesday. So on the weeks I have chemo, I'll have Wednesday off and have an extra day to recover before going back to work Thursday night. It will also be my 3-day week, so that will really help when I'm tired. I'm so thankful that I work for a city that allows my schedule to be moved around. I want to take as little sick time as possible, so this helps immensely!
Speaking of work, I need to hop off of here and get ready to leave! Ciao!
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